Friday, January 16, 2009

This hat has horns

We all have different facets of our personality. If we had a scale at one end would be the person who always comes across the same and has no idea how to access that different facets of who they are and at the other end is someone dealing with a multi personality disorder and isn't fully aware of when a facet has completely taken over. (This is a non-medical opinion and just my perception)

Where do you fit?

When asked to do a survey for personality purposes I often ask which Susan whomever is asking would like to speak with. Because I have some very different and distinct personalities that come to the surface when required. The Susan who can stand in front of 2000 people and MC has different views than the Susan that stops talking to allow someone else a chance to shine. Recently I have been describing these facets with hats. You know, like when someone puts on there "mommy" hat or "carpenter" hat or "banker" hat to describe a skill they are using to get something done. I put on "personality" hats to describe the facet of me who is being used to deal with a current situation. My hats were designed by my survival instinct.

Lately it's been switching between the "getting it done" and "hat with horns"

I will save the "getting it done" hat for another post.

The "hat with horns" isn't the easiest to deal with. Slightly bitchy and won't take any crap. It's my enough is enough hat that helps me deal.. the step before I can move past a situation. Usually the "hat with horns" is short term. This hat is firmly placed on and isn't easily knocked off, it cancels out the compassion, empathy and ability to care about "their" side of the story. If you are coming face to face with me and I have on the "hat with horns" you don't have to worry because likely pretty soon you will be shoved back into the masses and be just another person that passes threw my day. But be prepared, because the skills I learned from people who built this hat for me have been sharpened. My "hat with horns" was brought out to deal with too many people believing that they are still playing at the schoolyard and are "king of the mountain." Failing to see that there is no schoolyard or mountain! Have a problem with me? I will care if you are someone I care about.. but somewhere in the process if you choose not to let me know what is going on, I will stop caring, part of that process is the "hat with horns" I become a sly bully that pokes and pokes and pokes, until you are about to break. But it's at that moment another hat comes out.. it's more of a hood and a cloak and in it lives shame. It's a frustrating moment. I don't want to take off my "hat with horns" it's empowering to know that you aren't hurting me anymore and I am preying on your weaknesses but the part of me that has fought for growth and compassion says enough is enough right back at me.

Now here is the crunch, the moment the cloak comes on I am transitioning.. There was a time when I would fight for every friendship I had ever put time into. Not anymore, as I grow stronger and wiser I recognize when walking away is a mercy killing not only for you, but also for me.

Sounds like a lot doesn't it? But the "hat with horns" is a hat I wear for less that 10 minutes a day. A hat that is about to be thrown back into the closet. I'm not thrilled that it had to be dusted off for use. But I am thrilled that I didn't need to wear it for long, and while it was firmly placed on my head I was aware and thinking about what I was doing and what the results would be.

So what hat now?


I am at my best when hatless, because that means that I am not in "survival" mode. No need to fictitiously adorn myself with a hat to help me make it in and around a situation.

But I will tell you this.

Do not be afraid to put on any hat you may need to get threw whatever situation is causing you unease, put it on and dive in. Because the really cool part, is that down the road you will find that unexpectedly you are dealing with that situation again.. hatless simply because you can.

Another upside of that.. no hat head.

xx sk

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